We were offshore Daytona Beach Florida and I’d gone ashore with Lee to have dinner with Agent Catfish and Edith who was visiting her. Pot luck they’d said, so we brought along some of Cookie’s Dried Apple Crisp, one of Lee’s favorites. Actually it was a bit of insurance on our part as my sister is not known for her culinary skills-rather her lack of them. So we sat down to supper with more than a little trepidation.

It was fried catfish and calamari salad. Lee turned a bit green – he still has a problem with cephalopods, after all he was almost squished to death by a squid and then we had a giant octopus to contend with  -but hid his discomfort  as he turned to the canned cheese dip and tortilla wedges. As for me, I laughed and patted his shoulder telling him to relax, that at least he wouldn’t have to put a nuclear charge through the hull here!

The girls, of course, had no idea what I was talking about.

It had all begun when we’d heard a news report about some fishermen who’d been killed by a ‘sea monster’. There was one survivor. And so we went to Norway to investigate.

Then it got complicated. Suffice it to say Lars Mattson had created outsized catfish and a gigantic octopus. His original plans to help feed the world by using chemicals and selective reproduction were warped by the mad scientist syndrome as Lee puts it about some of  my ‘scientist egghead buddies’, (friend and foe), and the mutants became his obsession, poor fella’.

The problem was, the catfish wanted to toy with Seaview and the octopus wanted to squeeze her hull plates. It was the first time Seaview used her reactors to  give the giant a taste of it’s own medicine. I could tell Lee wasn’t sure about a charge through the hull, how could he be, the boat was beginning to break apart and he thought it could make things worse.

But he trusted me and did it anyway and hey presto, one giant dead Octopus. 

I didn’t go into the details about how Mattson’s wife shot Lars in an attempt to prevent him from releasing the monster into the fiord again in the first place. Not exactly the kind of conversation to have with impressionable females over dinner.

The fried catfish was rather tasty if a bit salty, but the calamari salad had been prepared to perfection. Lee, to his credit at least tried both dishes, and finished his serving of fish. He wasn’t too fond of the octopus, so I let one of the tentacles dangle out of my mouth to tease him, which made Edith soooo delighted. Agent Catfish couldn’t help giggling as well.

As we drove back to shore and Seaview, Lee groaned as he noticed a restaurant with our Agent’s name. Surely it was coincidence. In any case, Agent Catfish said the next time she’d invite us over for dinner she’ll make sure she serves something a bit more landlocked. Mentioned something called Prairie Oysters, a kind of ‘oyster’ which she said has nothing to do with the water.  One can only guess if it's some kind of canape that looks like an oyster or something.

Memo

From Adm. H. Nelson

NIMR

To Admiral Denise Caroll

US Navy Cooking School

Re Prairie Oysters

I’m writing in the hopes for a little clarification regarding a dish called Prairie Oysters. Seaview’ executive officer, quite a gourmet, simply stared at me and began to giggle when   I mentioned the Captain and I would be enjoying them next time we’re invited to Agent Catfish’s home.

It’s not like my stoic XO to giggle and neither I nor the Captain could get him or our Mess Specialist to explain what on earth was so funny to them.

Please advise.

From Admiral Denise Caroll

US Navy Cooking School

To Adm.  H. Nelson

NIMR

Re Prairie Oysters

Please forgive your XO and Mess Specialist. Prairie Oysters come in many sizes and shapes. Usually from cattle, sometimes sheep, coated with a seasoned flour mixture and deep fried. Said to ‘put hair on your chest’ and er…elsewhere.

From Adm. H. Nelson

NIMR

To Admiral Caroll

US Navy Cooking School

Re Prairie Oysters

Okay, it’s a meat product, but where is it from on the animal? I checked out reference pictures from the FDA but see no mention of it listed on their pictures. And is it Kosher? Neither my Captain nor I am, however if we decide to serve this aboard Seaview we need to know what a good substitute (no pun that) is.

 From Admiral Denise Caroll

US Navy Cooking School

To Adm.  H. Nelson

NIMR

Re Prairie Oysters

Dear sir, I don’t think serving a submarine crew on patrol for who knows how long this dish. It could be dangerous.

From Adm. H. Nelson

NIMR

To Admiral Caroll

US Navy Cooking School

Re Prairie Oysters

Then tell me, just what the hell is it?

From Admiral Denise Caroll

US Navy Cooking School

To Adm.  H. Nelson

NIMR

Re Prairie Oysters

We are referring this matter over to an associate of yours.

From Adm. Jiggs Starke

ComSubPac

To Adm. H. Nelson

NIMR

Prairie Oysters

Harriman, you’d better think twice about serving Prairie Oysters to your crew. Especially if they’re at sea for any length of time.  I’m told by Denise that she just couldn’t bring herself to tell you…Harry, Prairie Oysters, from whatever animal, are testicles.  And loaded, as you can imagine, with testosterone. In fact, in some cultures it’s a pre wedding night tradition. Not only does it (in the bull variety, not the calf) help grow hair on your chest, it is, shall we say a kind of..er…stimulant to the male libido.

Now, it’s not my place to tell you what to or not to do, but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near your boat if you decide to serve this dish.   The stress level would be more than doubled by men who want nothing more than to go home to their wives and girlfriends and ‘right now’.

By the way, the ‘oysters’ aren’t bad taste wise, a lot depends on the coating, but they are an acquired taste.

From H. Nelson

NIMR

To Agent Catfish

South Daytona, Fl

Re: Prairie Oysters

Thank you for offering Lee and I to a supper of Prairie Oysters the next time we’re in the area, but I regret to inform you that Doc says  I have an allergy to one of the components and that Lee’s medication contraindicates that he can have any. So sorry. Perhaps a nice Corned Beef and Cabbage instead?