Memo:

From : Admiral Jiggs Starke, COMSUBPAC

To: Lt. Cmdr. Chip Morton

Re: Grooming Infractions

Have just been informed by my staff that some of Seaview's compliment are in great need of a shave and  haircut!

This is a grave infraction of the standards of the US Navy and US Navy Reserve.

As XO it is YOUR responsibility to insure officers and crew adhere to regulations.  Will discuss this gross insubordination wtih Nelson and the SecNav.

From: Lt. Cmdr. Chip Morton

SSRN Seaview

Re: Grooming infraction.

Thank you for pointing out our shortcomings. However, there are notable exceptions due Seaview. (See pages 115-300 Addendum files-special circumstances SSRN Seaview Naval Rules and Regulations-body and facial hair variances.)

There are too many to list here, but they do include magnetic and/or electrical interference which may or may not include exposure to excessive electrical  charges ie: forcing charges through the hull, explosions in the circuitry, etc. Alien and other life form takeovers, including but not restricted to bodily transformations (paranormal possessions, mutations (especially during a full moon), experimental breathing mixures, and ultra exposure to anti radiation foams, soaps, and flea dip.)

You may address any continued concerns to the Chief Medical Officer and to NIMR Security.

From : Admiral Jiggs Starke, COMSUBPAC

To: Lt. Cmdr. Chip Morton

Re: Grooming Infractions

Are you telling me that a full moon is an excuse for sloppiness?

From: Lt. Cmdr. Chip Morton

SSRN Seaview

To: Admiral Jiggs Starke, COMSUBPAC

Re: Grooming infraction.

Well, considering the fact that Admiral Nelson turned into a werewolf at such a time, yes sir, I suppose it is. At least he didn’t have the residual flea problem Lee had after Braddock’s experimental atmosphere.

From : Admiral Jiggs Starke, COMSUBPAC

To: Admiral H. Nelson, Lt. Cmdr. Chip Morton

SSRN Seaview

Re: Grooming Infractions

I find Morton’s so called exuses downright defiant. Have checked Addendum files-special circumstances SSRN Seaview Naval Rules and Regulations-body and facial hair variances and no where does it say there or in any of your reports that you turned into a werewolf. They're make believe anyway. You need to discipline your men better Harriman. Or should I say 'Hairy Man'.  

From: Admiral H. Nelson aka Hairy Man

SSRN Seaview

To: Admiral Jiggs Starke, COMSUBPAC

Re: Grooming infraction.

I would have sent you a copy of the original log, but I ate it. Will see to it you're sent a copy. Must be around here someplace. Probably in Sick Bay. Fortunately,  I hardly turn into a werewolf any more, (moonlight hardly ever penetrates the view ports). It’s Lee who still has a problem;  growling at crewmen, shedding dander from his thick fur, and scratching himself at innapropriate times.

No amount of flea dip seems to help. But it has made his hair nice and shiny. Smells good too. 

As for Lee, I've ordered him to avoid haircuts for awhile, as I’d like to see how his hair follicles respond to the continual use of flea dip outside of his recurrent episodes as a Manbeast. (Sometimes it's happened outside of time served aboard Seaview.)  Increased hair growth and volume could prove to be quite an investment opportunity for those with failing hairlines,ie: Doc Jamison is most hopeful this will be a cureall  for his encroaching baldness, though some of it is his own fault, (he's developed a bad habit of  pulling his air out while treating Capt. Crane.)

Speaking of Crane, I've relaxed the rules about him using a barber at those times he’s affected.(Snarls too much making the poor crewmen assigned the duty to drop their razors-Doc says it’s a safety issue.)

From : Admiral Jiggs Starke, COMSUBPAC

To: Lt. Cmdr. Chip Morton

SSRN Seaview

Re: Grooming Infractions

Received copy of your log. Heavens, Hairy, er...Harry, at least that flea dip of Crane's makes your 'hairy situations' a bit more tolerable. Order up a gross and distribute to all hands. They don’t call ‘em pigboats for nothing.

Doc’s Weird Cases Users Manual:

Werewolf:

A human that can shift into a wolf like being by being bitten or scratched by another werewolf, the resulting transformation usually at it’s fullest peak during a full moon.

Contrary to rumor, diving the boat to a depth that moonlight cannot penetrate Seaview’s view ports will have no effect against the transformation. ( It’s a gravity thing.)

Symptoms:

Excessive hair growth: on the face, arms, hands, legs, feet, and torso along with increased body odor have occurred. (If patient can be captured and restrained, it is possible to shampoo, but the long term cosmetic and deodorizing effect will be quickly dissipated)

Fangs: Canine teeth develop into protruding fangs (all the better to bite you with, my dears)

Violent unreasoning temper: (It is impossible to reason with a werewolf)

Treatment:

Vaccines  have been unsuccessful to date.

Wolfs Bain, the traditional herbal cure,  has proven ineffective.

Nitrogen at extreme high pressure is the only cure to date that has been moderately successful. However, recurrent episodes have occurred.

When an attack is imminent,(look for hairy hands) patient should be placed in escape proof restraint ward until it passes, or, if available,  restrained in the diving bell and quickly dunked to the bottom of the sea, allowing said bell then to pop back up to the boat without decompression, the nitrogen cure removing (at least temporarily) the disease.

Doc’s Weird Cases Users Manual:

Man beast

A transmutation of a human into a hairy, almost but not quite werewolf like man-animal, due to exposure to experimental breathing mixture at extreme depths.

Symptoms:

Excessive hair: face, arms, hands, legs, feet, torso. Especially attractive to fleas but if this is due to the alteration of the patient’s blood chemistry or the hair follicles themselves is unknown.  There is also an increased 'wet dog' body odor.

Enlarged Nasal cavity developing into an almost  pig like snout. (All the better to sniff out what’s cooking in the Galley)

Fangs: enlarged (and sharp!) canine teeth (see similarities to  Werewolf)

Extreme violent temper: rage over the simplest of things, even inanimate objects ie. Intercom paging and cooked meatloaf.

Extreme drooling and hissing: Drooling may be due to the misshapen facial cavity and snout, hissing  may be a method of communication but nobody's been able to figure it out yet.

Treatment:

Vaccine (see: Classified concoctions-NIMR) at extreme depths has proven effective, however, not a complete cure. )

If and when the patient develops recurrant symptoms, speedily isolate in restraint ward  then when sedated,( it will not affect the vaccine) place patient  in diving bell and drop to the depths.(Another  passenger will be needed to administer injection). Once injected, wait  at the bottom of the sea unitl the episode passes and patient resumes normal appearance. Then return bell to the boat. (Unlike the treatment of werewolfism,  allow for necssary stages of return and decompression)

Residual effects: the patient has shown continued and accelerated  hair growth but it is unkown at this time if the hair follicles are responding to the continued and necessary  flea dip or if this is a side effect of the manbeast episodes.

Fleas are still attracted to the patient, so they may also be a mutation after having sucked the patient's altered blood chemistry.

(I wish I'd paid more attention in Medical School to better treat the Admiral's werewolfism and the Captain's Manbeastism, but ancient causes and curses, nor mad scientist air mixture combinations were electives)