From: Cookie

SSRN Seaview

To: NIMR, Culinary Div.

Re: Fresh ain’t always the best

Hey, guys, no matter how much you hype the ‘fresher the better’ for us,  I gotta’ tell you, in this case, it doesn’t hold water.

Well, it was fresh all right. The dive team lugged it aboard after it nearly squished the new Skipper to death. A great big gigantic squid.

I told the XO it was called Calamari in the culinary world so he was all for the idea and convinced the Admiral to hurry up and finish taking measurements of it in the lab so I could start preparing it for supper. Morton didn’t have a clue as to what it was supposed to taste like, and the Skipper said at least  it was one way to get even with the critter. Nelson told  everyone they were in for a real treat. And he should know. Comes from old money and haute cuisine tastes. Though I have to tell you, in confidence, if he had to choose between caviar or a tuna sandwich the sandwich would win out.

So I boiled it, I baked, it, deep fried and  sautéed it. I even made squid salad sandwiches, squid ceasar salads and squid ice cream. Then there were the parts I served raw like sushi. The Food Channel would’ve been proud of me. But did anyone eat it?

Mr. Morton said his sandwich was just fine, that  it went well with the mayo. But when he thought I wasn’t looking he dumped if  off his plate.

The Skipper tried  the deep fried rings and asked Nelson if it supposed to taste and feel like old rubber.

Nelson suddenly clapped a hand to his head, then said that was probably due to the fact that the creature wasn’t one of the little dainty sized squids that find themselves in 5 star restaurants, apologizing for his oversight and not telling me that the bigger the squid, the tougher it might  become. 

By the time word got out, and believe me, aboard Seaview, that’s fast, there was a run on peanut butter and jelly. We’re out of bread now too so that means I’ll be up all night  baking.

It’s not that I’m unused to disasters. That’s what Seaview’s about. But oh the pain!

And now, they’ve just spotted some outsized ocean going catfish almost bumping into the boat, and Morton told me to get my frying pans ready. He was practically slavering. Fried catfish is one of his favorites. This time Nelson assured me that their size shouldn’t  affect their taste, but I saw him cross his fingers behind his back just the same.

Then, the Skipper told me he’ll just have some Spam if there’s any left, thank you very much.

So, guys,  even though we do try to accommodate the ‘Fresh is Best’ policy in obtaining some of our foodstuffs in the seas we traverse, and that I’m stuck fixing Mr. Morton his catfish, (if he catches any);  I’m going to stick to the canned and frozen stuff from now on, okay?