From: Katie, NIMR Marketing
To: Adm. H. Nelson
Re: Recruitment
As regards our current staffing problem, the number of applicants to man Seaview are below minimum. If we don’t
see an increase soon, we will have no choice but to limit our contracts, not
to mention shore leave, which would make for a very grumpy Captain unable to play James Bond with ONI as often as he'd
like.
From: H. Nelson
To: Katie, NIMR Marketing
Re: Recruitment
Just goes to show you that there’s a silver lining in every cloud! J
From: Katie, NIMR Marketing
To: Adm. H. Nelson
Re: Recruitment
Very funny, Sir. However, we believe the lack of applicants is due to
the following losses to date:
3 Diving Bells*
4 Mini-subs*
6 Flying Subs*
1 high tensile plastic view port (do you have any idea of the cost of replacing these things?)
1 Sea Scooter (docked from Captain Crane’s pay-still waiting on that official
report, sir.(Way overdue)
Wetsuits and diving gear (too many to count)-eaten, melted, moldy, mildewed, and generally the worse for wear- Please
advise the Captain that Neoprene is not compatible with hydrochloric acid (see: Stomach, Wale)
1 Antennae Array
7 Sonar units
8 Radar units
4 dozen chocolate chip cookies
2 Radio units
1 Amrac Computer
5 Diving Planes
2 Inertial Guidance Systems
577 Circuitry Room panels
3 Anti radiation force field units
7 gross LED lights
2 gross Twinkies
2 crates Flea Dip (Sir, I know subs are called Pig Boats, but that’s ridiculous!)
Loss of Manpower to death, dismemberment, accident, aliens, monsters, digested, dissolved, drowned, imploded, exploded,
etc:
103 crewmen (SSRN Seaview)*
25 cewmen (SSRN Polidor)*
(The numbers aren’t in on the loss of passengers yet (including
contracted scientists, highjackers, stowaways, etc.)
Loss of Manpower- quit, fired, arrested, requested to resign and/or return to civilian life or the Navy, etc:
Number Classified
You can see, sir, that these facts alone might scare otherwise interested applicants away. They might as well sign
on for hazardous duty in the Navy.
From: H. Nelson
To: Katie, NIMR Marketing
Re: Recruitment
Well, if they can’t take
the heat, perhaps it’s best they don’t apply. Call in the Marines to fill in for our present and future gap of
manpower. They won’t complain.
From: Katie, NIMR Marketing
To: Adm. H. Nelson
Re: Recruitment
They have more sense than that.
You have got to figure out some other way to lure other idiots, er, I mean men, to augment Seaview’s crew!
From: H. Nelson
To: Katie, NIMR Marketing
Re: Recruitment
How about allowing female crewmembers?
Might make things a bit more crowded and we’ll need to install special air purification units to clear out the hairspray
but I hear the Navy’s thinking about it, and the men sure wouldn’t mind. In fact…we could advertise our
great maternity program.
From: Katie, NIMR Marketing
To: Adm. H. Nelson
Re: Recruitment
You can’t be serious!
It doesn’t pay enough anyway. I have an idea, though. Why not ask those fanfiction folks to write us a solution to the
problem; perhaps a contest.
From: H. Nelson
To: Katie, NIMR Marketing
Re: Recruitment
Good idea! The prize can be
a date with the Captain and/or other available bachelors; it’ll keep him out of trouble awhile. I could use them
to help pump out the bilge tanks. Add me to the list of eligibles. Get things organized. Contact er, who is it
again? Agent Catfish? Yes that’s it. Contact her and get things moving. I can hardly wait. I’ve been standing
in this ballast tank for hours trying to blow the water out of the damn thing so we can surface, but all I can manage is pretty bubbles. At least I can sing it better
than Lee.
From: Katie, NIMR Marketing
To: Adm. H. Nelson
Re: Recordings R Us
Dear sirs,
What is the current royalty rate for ‘I’m forever blowing Bubbles’ and/or ‘Pretty Bubbles’ (I’m not sure if they’re one in the same).
I think we may owe you, big time.
*Believed to be actual tally